I saw this on the Today Show—some really fun/creative ideas for birthday party themes/invites for kids.
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Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Lessons Learned Via Motherhood
Oregon Fail
Watch out for the wagon ruts.
I should know better. The man has four mounted elk heads in his garage. He casts his own bullets. He has been known to disappear for weeks at a time and return looking like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall—at the end of the movie, where he's indistinguishable from the bear he's wrestling. But when my husband's uncle asks me if I am interested in seeing some Oregon Trail sites while we're in Idaho, I jump at the chance. I haven't been this excited since floppy disks were still floppy.
//Going back to 1848 . . . .//
My husband Ed and I are children of the 80s, and we grew up on the Apple IIe Oregon Trail. I spent whole summers dying of typhoid to the MIDI strains of "Skip to My Lou," gunning down pound after pound of pixelated squirrel and thinking of mildly naughty epitaphs for my tombstone. To be able to share this bit of childhood nostalgia with my own children? Priceless.
"You game for a little adventure?" Uncle Doug asks me as we barrel down the highway.
//Many kinds of people made the trip to Oregon. You may:
1. Be a banker from Boston.
2. Be a carpenter from Ohio.
3. Be a sedan-driving mom from suburbia who's suspicious that her new espadrille wedges aren't going to cut it in the sticks.//
I smile and try to look like someone who hasn't always lived within a few blocks of a Target. "Of course I'm game."
He grins and blows past the exit for Fort Hall.
//You've lost the trail.//
"Didn't you say we're going to Fort Hall?" I ask.
"We are. That's the replica. Tourist trap," he mutters. "We're going to the actual Fort Hall." He jerks the truck onto a dirt road and frowns at my husband in the rearview. "Have you ever known me to take you to places with drinking fountains or admission fees?"
At this point my husband stops making eye contact with me.
//Date: 25 June 2008
Weather: Oppressively muggy
Morale: Waning
Food: Half a box of warm apple juice and a baggie of pretzels
Next landmark: Fort Hall. "It's just down the road."
Miles traveled: 78 miles//
And it isn't a long trip. Not really. Or it wouldn't have been, had we used GPS, a map or something other than Uncle Doug's intuition to get us there. Perhaps it just seems long to us because it seems so long to the kids, mile after mile of empty greenish-brown nothingness.
//You may:
1. Travel the trail.
2. Learn about the trail.
3. See the Oregon Top Ten.//
"Mommy, are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
//4. Turn the sound off.//
And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, the jostling of the road, the sweat, the bellyaching monotony of it all, Uncle Doug squints out at the horizon and hits the brakes.
"That's it."
A cloud of dust obscures my vision. "What's it?" I fumble with my seat belt, fantasizing about covered wagons and calico aprons and green buffalo that go belly-up when you shoot them with the space bar. My heart lurches with excitement. I am a pioneer.
"That."
The dirt settles. As we spill out of the car I realize "that" is a chimney-like stone column, fenced in and buried in chest-high grass. Flies buzz lazily around bullet-riddled beer cans on an overgrown path.
//You have reached Fort Hall.//
My stomach drops in disappointment. I am an idiot.
"This is where it all happened!" Uncle Doug says. "There used to be a plaque—bugs musta carried it off." And sure enough, the abundance of insect life here is biblically plague-like in its proportions.
In sidestepping the beer cans and whisking away a cloud of gnats I trip in a furrow and break the strap of my new shoes.
"Watch out for the wagon ruts," Uncle Doug adds over his shoulder as my husband scoops me up.
I put on a brave face. "Isn't this great, kids?" My four-year-old eyes me suspiciously and mumbles something under her breath of which I catch only one word: boring. My 15-month-old just screams and bats at a mosquito the size of a small horse.
Uncle Doug has little tolerance for complaining. He clucks impatiently and picks up something from the ground. It's a rusty nail. "Souvenir," he says as he passes it to my daughters, who stop whining just long enough for me to calculate the date of everyone's last tetanus shot before I whisk it out of their hands. More grumbling.
//The children have exhaustion.//
Finally, my oldest plays her trump card: "I hafta pee." (For four-year-olds, the need to urinate increases in direct proximity to the number of miles they are from anything resembling a bathroom.)
"Are you kidding?" To the left of us is grass. To the right of us is grass. In front of us is grass. Behind us is riparian marsh, which is grass with some water.
//From the Fort Hall Monument it is 25 miles of dirt road to any clean bathroom.//
"I hafta pee." She looks up at me plaintively.
//Do you want to ford the river, or caulk the wagon and float across?//
My husband shrugs. "Pee on the ground."
Her lower lip begins to tremble.
"Sweetie, that's what the pioneer children had to do."
Huge tears well up in the corner of her eyes, but gradually we convince her that this is really the only way. My husband and Uncle Doug walk down the trail a piece and discuss the logistics of various stances for relieving oneself outdoors depending on the terrain, all of which have vaguely athletic-sounding names like the squat, the tripod and the hang. I weep inwardly and long for indoor plumbing. Finally, my daughter crouches down and I hear a sigh of relief emanate from the tall grass.
"I need toilet paper."
I fish a baby wipe container out of my purse—empty. A Kleenex wrapper—also empty. Panic sets in and I dump the contents of my handbag on the trail in desperation, coming up with a Costco receipt. My daughter, still half naked and squatting, looks at me in horror at the prospect of wiping her bottom with register tape ("Thank you! Please come again!") and begins sobbing anew. At this point, my toddler attempts to console her big sister by patting her on the back. This topples them both over and I now have two hysterical children—one without pants—rolling around on the freshly peed-on ground.
I'm ready to join in their tantrum until I realize that being in rural Idaho is a bit like being in space: no one can hear you scream. The high desert just swallows my petty drama in its vastness—it's seen my kind before, and it's not impressed.
//You die of stupid. Epic fail. Game over.//
So it's here, standing in the wagon ruts with grass whipping at my ankles, that I bury any faintly cherished hopes that I could have hacked it in the wild. I picture myself as an emigrant mother, rising at 4 o'clock in the morning to ladle out brackish water to my family, nursing my baby while sitting astride 600 pounds of bacon and molasses in a rickety wagon, peering past my sunbonnet at 2000 miles of trail and knowing I might not last the journey—and all without the consolation of a nice bubble bath and my iPod? I think not.
Then again, I wonder how she'd handle the trails I've blazed. Could she take waking before dawn to squeeze in a quick workout, checking juice labels for high fructose corn syrup before a single sippy cup gets filled, catching up on international news headlines en route to the PTA potluck, and rocking the baby in one hand while typing an invoice and throwing together dinner with the other . . . all as she balances the budget and makes a last-minute mortgage payment on her cell phone? And don't even get me started about the dangers of modern child-rearing. Given the choice between Indians and dysentery or media violence and childhood sexualization, I'd take my chances with intestinal parasites and natives. At least that's a fair fight.
"Mommy?"
They've stopped crying now and are sitting up. Two tear-stained faces blink up at me and then down at grass-stained knees and grimy hands.
"We're dirty."
This I can handle. I whip out a bottle of hand sanitizer and a Tide pen. Eat that, pioneer woman.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever
Mike saw this on face book and sent it to me. I thought it was so hilarious yet true; something good to remember for new moms to be.
I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.
1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.
2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?
Read more from Alice Bradley on << The Motherboard Blog >>
3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.
4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."
Related: Celebrities on Motherhood
5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh!
(See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)
6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.
Related: The Best Mom Moments of All Time
7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"
8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath. I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Related: Read 7 Hilarious Tantrum Tales Here
9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.
10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.
1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.
2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?
Read more from Alice Bradley on << The Motherboard Blog >>
3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.
4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."
Related: Celebrities on Motherhood
5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh!
(See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)
6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.
Related: The Best Mom Moments of All Time
7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"
8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath. I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Related: Read 7 Hilarious Tantrum Tales Here
9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.
10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
A Lesson for Parents: Fair Punishment
A little lesson learning story about parenting that I heard today and thought served as a good inspirational reminder:
When Dean was four years old his dad decided it was time to buy the family a new car. Cars didn't come easy back in that day so getting one for the family was a big deal. Dad loaded the family in the new car, proud to take them all for a new spin. With windows down, the children waving their arms out the window, and dad's arm wrapped around mom in the front seat with his other hand on the wheel, the family was "happy." This state of happiness lasted a short while before mom asked dad why he didn't buy a white car? Dad started getting a little upset, telling mom that this purchase was hard to come by and he did the best he could. Mom wasn't pleased. Pretty soon silence evaded the car, mom scooted over as far as she could to the passenger side of the car, and the happiness that once prevailed had dissipated. Dean was deeply troubled about his parents arguing; he decided he'd take matters into his own hands and solve the problem.
Before his mother called him out of bed the next morning for school Dean snuck down stairs into the garage where their new car was parked. He'd seen his dad use a screw driver to open cans of paint, and that is just what Dean did, he opened a brand new can of shiny WHITE paint. "This," he thought, "is sure to fix the problem, now everyone will get what they want and be happy again." He proceeded to paint the fender and side of the car when his mother, after searching all over the house for him, found him in the garage. He looked at her and beamed until she let out a scream: "Dean, what have you done!" Confused that his mom wasn't happy, he followed orders and went to retrieve a branch from their cherry tree in the backyard so mom could give him his punishment. He never did get to explain why he decided to paint the car white in the first place.
Oh the precious mind and heart of a four year old. If only Deans parents had taken the time to ask him why he had decided to paint the car, a lot of confusion and heartache could have been saved. Hopefully we can all learn this lesson as parents: allow children to communicate their feelings and their mind process before extending the appropriate punishment.
When Dean was four years old his dad decided it was time to buy the family a new car. Cars didn't come easy back in that day so getting one for the family was a big deal. Dad loaded the family in the new car, proud to take them all for a new spin. With windows down, the children waving their arms out the window, and dad's arm wrapped around mom in the front seat with his other hand on the wheel, the family was "happy." This state of happiness lasted a short while before mom asked dad why he didn't buy a white car? Dad started getting a little upset, telling mom that this purchase was hard to come by and he did the best he could. Mom wasn't pleased. Pretty soon silence evaded the car, mom scooted over as far as she could to the passenger side of the car, and the happiness that once prevailed had dissipated. Dean was deeply troubled about his parents arguing; he decided he'd take matters into his own hands and solve the problem.
Before his mother called him out of bed the next morning for school Dean snuck down stairs into the garage where their new car was parked. He'd seen his dad use a screw driver to open cans of paint, and that is just what Dean did, he opened a brand new can of shiny WHITE paint. "This," he thought, "is sure to fix the problem, now everyone will get what they want and be happy again." He proceeded to paint the fender and side of the car when his mother, after searching all over the house for him, found him in the garage. He looked at her and beamed until she let out a scream: "Dean, what have you done!" Confused that his mom wasn't happy, he followed orders and went to retrieve a branch from their cherry tree in the backyard so mom could give him his punishment. He never did get to explain why he decided to paint the car white in the first place.
Oh the precious mind and heart of a four year old. If only Deans parents had taken the time to ask him why he had decided to paint the car, a lot of confusion and heartache could have been saved. Hopefully we can all learn this lesson as parents: allow children to communicate their feelings and their mind process before extending the appropriate punishment.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Character of God
Mike felt inspired to send this to his family, something we talked about last night laying bed. I thought it was equally valuable to share with everyone here.
Amanda and I were laying in bed and talking after we had read the scriptures and we had an interesting conversation. We were talking about trials and blessings and where they come from. Through talking, I realized that I've had a misconception about where and why trials and blessings come. I thought back to various experiences and trials I've gone through and remember thinking, "Why is God not blessing me?" or "Why do I HAVE to go through this?'. I realized that somewhere along the line, I developed a belief that God withholds blessing from us or puts us through things--that he doesn't want me to be rich or wealthy. I remember times when I've wanted to be making more money and thinking, "Why isn't God blessing me?"
Amanda and I were laying in bed and talking after we had read the scriptures and we had an interesting conversation. We were talking about trials and blessings and where they come from. Through talking, I realized that I've had a misconception about where and why trials and blessings come. I thought back to various experiences and trials I've gone through and remember thinking, "Why is God not blessing me?" or "Why do I HAVE to go through this?'. I realized that somewhere along the line, I developed a belief that God withholds blessing from us or puts us through things--that he doesn't want me to be rich or wealthy. I remember times when I've wanted to be making more money and thinking, "Why isn't God blessing me?"
Over the past few months my beliefs about God and my understanding of God's character and will has changed. And talking the other night with Amanda it all hit me and became clear. The lack of success we are having in life isn't because of God. God isn't sitting up in Heaven saying, "Nope, I'm not going to bless you yet. Just don't think you're doing enough." God wants to bless us--he wants us to have all the money and success the world has to offer. What good are we to the Lord if we can never reach outside of ourselves and make a difference in the lives of others because we are so consumed with just getting by and making ends meet? Think about how much of an impact we can have in the world if we can focus on sharing the Saviors love with others by serving and giving to those in need. (That's not to say we can't serve and make a difference just because of our financial circumstance--we can) We can be so much more useful to the Lord if we don't have to spend so much time worrying and working just to support ourselves. Therefore it makes sense that He would want to bless us financially and temporally. So why doesn't He?
The Lord is perfect, just and honest. He is bound by certain laws. He cannot bless us if we don't do our part--it's impossible. If he did bless us when we didn't deserve a blessing he would cease to be God. The universe runs by these laws--nothing can operate or achieve it's purpose unless it follows the law related to it. So what it comes down to is our own lack of FAITH or BELIEF or even our lack of knowledge or understanding. Over and over again in the scriptures it talks about faith and how if we have even the smallest amount of faith we can do and achieve all things. God is the one talking in the scriptures and he is telling us how to be successful--"BELIEVE that you can be and that I will bless and guide you and you will be". He said it, it's TRUE and he has to bless us when we do what he says. He has to! So when we sit back and look at our life and think, "Maybe God is trying to teach me something and that's why He's not blessing us." we're wrong. God isn't trying to teach us He's just waiting for us to BELIEVE in Him. He's probably just sitting there and thinking, "C'mon, I want to bless you. I'm not intentionally withholding blessings from you. I want to give you everything you want and desire that is good--but I can't until you show me some FAITH and take ACTION. Do your part dummy--so I can do mine." And because of free will God isn't going to intervene and make you do something. He's not going to come down and talk with you face to face and teach you how to be wealthy. But He will inspire you, and speak to you through the Spirit. But if we never follow the guidance by taking action He can't and won't bless us.
Well how do we know if we are being guided by the spirit or if it's just our thoughts? Half the time we don't. The key is to take action. As long as your thought or inspiration is good and will lead to potentially positive results, MOVE! If it's not guidance from the Lord it will fall through or something will come up and you will know. As long as you are being prayerful along the way and truly seeking guidance from the Lord things will work out the way they should. But if we never take action or work towards our own future success we show NO faith or belief and can't be blessed. So we have to be pro active and try new things. We have to make things happen. It's up to us not God. God will bless us along the way and lead and inspire us...but it's up to US to make it happen.
Right now Amanda and I are trying to figure out what to do for work and income. I don't want to go out for the summer with a brand new baby. We don't want to leave our ward and our callings. We have no idea what the Lord wants us to do. We don't know what's going to happen this summer. But we've been coming up with numerous ideas and working on putting those ideas into an income. I've been reading a book called, "The Four Hour Work Week" and learning how to create a business and a better lifestyle and I know something is going to come from all this. We are on the verge of something GREAT! I don't know what it will be but I feel it coming. I'm creating a painting line. Amanda and I are writing a book. I'm creating a sales training website. We have an idea for a diet/nutrition meal program. I am knocking twice a week. And we have a few other things. So as you can see, we are working on a lot of things. I don't know what will happen or what we'll be inspired to do. But what I've realized is that as long as I'm doing my part and being pro active in coming up with ideas, working, creating new businesses or products the Lord has to bless us. He said he would and will...He wants to so bad but we have to make things happen and BELIEVE in Him and his desire to bless us so that He can.
Don't let Satan persuade you to have fear. Don't let him distort your idea or perception of God. God loves us all, he cares about us and wants us to be successful in all areas of life. And he wants us to be positive influences on the world and be able to help and share his love and abundance with all those in need.
Maybe you guys have a clear understanding of God and the way he blesses us but I didn't. So I just wanted to share my experience with you because it was enlightening and hopeful. Show God you truly have faith and believe by taking action! Let's make 2011 one of the best years ever! LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Mike
Friday, February 4, 2011
Living with a Grateful Attitude
Mike found this great article and sent it to me today; it is such a good reminder. Money can't buy happiness, and it is when we get wrapped up in trying to accumulate more and more wherein the important things in life start to slip. It is also important to remember why we are trying to accumulate money, is it to bless other people's lives or merely gratify our own wants and needs? We will never truly be happy until we start living with a bigger heart, desiring to help and serve those around us, and making sure our priorities are in order.
Breanna Sampson, "Learning to Be Content", Ensign, Feb. 2011, 62
Satan is not to be underestimated. He can make a rich man miserable and a poor man proud. Money and material possessions should have little bearing on our happiness and attitudes, yet Satan can often convince us otherwise. I realized this was a problem for me after my husband and I purchased our first home.
A short time after we moved in, my initial excitement faded as I began to see the flaws of our home and feel discontented. Many of my friends had much larger homes decorated in such appealing styles as to make our home seem small, plain, and wanting. I found myself making comparisons and feeling that I came up short.
During one of my more intense periods of disgruntlement, a couple in our ward invited us to join them for family home evening. When we arrived at their home I felt the anticipated pang of jealousy at the sight of their large, new home in which little had been forgone. What I had notanticipated was the conversation I had with the wife that evening. She mentioned their unhappiness with their home and their desire to find something a little bigger to better suit their needs. I was astounded! How could someone who had so much not realize how lucky she was? I would give anything to live in this gorgeous home—and she was unhappy! How could she not appreciate what she had?
As I later reflected on her comments and my reaction in turn, the Spirit gave me a very profound insight: I was no different from my friend whom I so strongly envied. We had been blessed to purchase a beautiful house that many, many people would be overjoyed to live in. The problem was not with the house—it was with me.
Instead of focusing on what I had, I could only see what I lacked. Instead of gratitude for blessings, I chose jealousy and greed. From the moment that I realized whose influence had been tainting my perspective, I made the choice to never let Satan sway me in such a worldly direction again. I realized then, as I do now, that if we cannot be contented with our current lives and possessions, then we are feeding an appetite that no amount of money will ever satiate. Jacob addressed this desire for wealth in his day by counseling us to seek first the kingdom of God and a hope in Christ; then if we are blessed with riches we will use them to “do good—to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted” (Jacob 2:18–19). I know that as we keep our hearts full of gratitude and our desires turned to God, we will be blessed with a sense of peace and contentment unknown to those of the world.
And that is something money can never buy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Overcoming Fear
Posting #10
These next two postings are the talks Mike and I gave in church on Sunday; I thought they were good reminders for all of us.
These next two postings are the talks Mike and I gave in church on Sunday; I thought they were good reminders for all of us.
There are scriptural stories we read that tell of hero’s or heroines that seem almost supernatural:
Moses departing the red sea, Noah living in the belly of a whale, 2,000 stripling warriors facing one of the most violent battles in the Book of Mormon each defying death; Daniel making friends amongst lions; Shadrach, Meeshac, and Abendego escaping, untouched, the fiery flames that fought to consume them, etc.
These hero’s although great in manifesting the power of God, can sometimes make us feel inadequate to mimic. But there is one narrative in the Bible that we as the “everyday” person can exemplify in our own lives, and that is the story of Esther.
There are many characters in the narrative that we can learn from: Haman and the downfall of his power because of pride and jealousy; Vashti standing up for principles she believed in; King Ahasureus– the problems he created by being so easily influenced by the people around him and of course his pride, greed, and rash way of living; and then there is of course Mordecai, a man of love—raising his niece whose parents died at an early age— a man of obedience and courage in going against, perhaps the “popular thing” of the day, instead doing what he knew had to be done in order to help save his people.
I could spend hours highlighting all the lessons we can learn from these characters but I only have 20 minutes today so I figured I would focus on, probably the character many focus when reading this book in the OT, and that is Esther. Just so the men in the room don’t immediately check out thinking her influence is only applicable to women something I will highlight about her story today is of equal importance to men.
Esther
When re-reading the story of Esther, I asked myself, “What is it about Esther, in particular, that we gravitate towards?” She didn’t jump at the opportunity to be the new queen, nor did she immediately have the courage to do what only she could do in order to save her people—petition the king. In fact when called upon to save her people the story makes it very clear that she hesitated, fearing if she did it would most likely cost her, her life.
Responding to Mordecai who petitioned her to save her people she said:
11 All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or woman, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days.
Reading her response, could we still classify her as a heroine? Arguably yes, the reason being: she was real, she wasn’t without flaw, just like you and I, yet she triumphed over it. She is to us a relatable heroine.
We know, through her example, that we don’t need to be paralyzed by our own fears; that it is possible to overcome them so we too can fulfill our missions, or as Mordecai reminded her, “ who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
I want to come back to Esther ‘s example in a moment, and focus right now on fears we face in our day because we know that ““Fear is prevalent throughout the earth. It stifles initiative, saps strength, and reduces efficiency. It weakens faith, brings doubts, and begets mistrust. Indeed, it tends to impede the very business of being. How negative, frustrating, and futile is fear.”
Feeling it’s stifling affect in our lives in particular, my husband and I have talked extensively about why we fear what we do. In preparation for this talk, I asked him how he’s mastered some of his own fears and he gave me a great answer, which aligned perfectly with a talk I will refer to in a moment. He said, the only way to conquer a fear is to proactively face it over and over until you no longer fear it; remembering that fear is baseless.
This “baseless” fear is something Elder Derek A. Cuthbert, then a member of the quorum of the 70, wrote about in an article entitled "The Futility of Fear”, which was published in the New Era, Nov. 1985.
Obviously each of us fear different things but there are categories that Elder Cuthbert highlights that are applicable to all of our baseless fears.
1) Fear of Man: There are those who fear physical domination by others; however, the Psalmist gave good counsel that we should “not fear what flesh can do unto [us]” (Ps. 56:4).
The Lord, through Moses, declared with firmness to the Israelites: “When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou, be not afraid of them: for the Lord thy God is with thee, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt” (Deut. 20:1).
Elder Cuthbert says that this fear of man can be resolved also by returning good for evil. By smothering others with kindness and love, barriers are broken down and fear loses its power in our dealings with men.
2) Fear of Criticism. Much more prevalent than physical fear is the fear of criticism, rejection, and verbal opposition. Again, the scriptures are replete with counsel and admonition.
Saul was rejected from being king because, as he confessed to Samuel, “I feared the people, and obeyed their voice” (1 Sam. 15:24). Elder Cuthbert asks us: “Will you transgress the commandments of the Lord because you fear what others will say if you don’t follow them in the ways of the world?”
It is hard trying to live in the world, yet remain free of its influence in our lives. But we need to keep an eternal perspective, remembering why we are here at this time, and whose opinion really matters: our Heavenly Fathers.
Elder Cuthbert also highlights the fear of “not open[ing our] mouths, [to share the gospel] … because of the fear of man” (D&C 60:2).
To this he counsels: When we have something to tell others, which will benefit them, protect them, or enlighten them, we should not hold back. There are so many people who are confused and discouraged and who want a better way of life. How grateful they are when someone takes the time to share their happiness and purpose in life.
He goes on to give another interesting perspective on the benefits of criticism by telling an Elder who called him one day worried about a man who was trying to stop them from knocking on doors, “Good,” I said. “You will have more uccess there, for the adversary is getting worried.”
There is never any need to fear opposition, criticism, or persecution, for we know what the outcome will be. The Lord’s work goes forward even more strongly, for “the works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught. . . “(D&C 3:1, 3).
Fear of Events. There are some who fear events, such as examinations and tests, interviews, and journeys.
**These he says we sort of have to face; they come with life. But if we keep a positive attitude, remembering when we fear these events, to “look unto God in every thought, [to] doubt not, [to] fear not,” knowing He has the ultimate power to comfort us and to make all things well in our lives. (D&C 6:36).
4) Fear of Death. This particular fear arises from misunderstanding the purpose of life, and lack of knowledge of the plan of our Eternal Father. It is vital to come to an understanding that death is not the end but a new beginning, a necessary stage in our eternal progression. We don’t need to fear death if we are righteous, because we know that “death is swallowed up in victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Cor. 15:54, 57).
5) Fear of the unknown. I think this is a big one for many of us; we tend to fear what we don’t know. Elder Cuthbert mentions that we can overcome these fears, which can include fear of the dark, fear of change, fear of the future, etc., by making our faith stronger than our fear, and by supplicating the help of others who can remind us that our fears are baseless (i.e. comforting a child who is afraid of the dark).
I have realized that there is no point in letting fear control my future because I don’t know the actual outcome of my future, and I kind of rejoice in that. Why consume my present state of mind with fearing things I may or may never have to face?
6) Fear of Responsibility. There are all sorts of responsibilities we shy away from because we don’t want to be responsible for the outcome. Elder Cuthbert shared one example in his own life:
Literally within days of baptism, I was called to head the youth program in the Nottingham Branch. This was completely new to me, and I felt inadequate, but I knew the Lord had need of me. There were less than 7,000 members in the whole of the British Isles where there are now 40 stakes. We all had to be “anxiously engaged” in the work of saving souls, building the kingdom, and establishing Zion. So it is with all of us. It is futile to fear responsibility when we have been called to serve “by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority” (A of F 1:5).
We have to trust that whatever responsibility we are given the Lord knows we have the capacity to do it.
7) Fear of Loneliness. This type of fear often results in compromise of principles and giving in to the demands of others for fear of being lonely or the odd one out. In latter-day revelation, the Lord has given comfort and assurance to those in this situation by saying:
“Fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail” (D&C 6:34).
Fear of loneliness includes fear of not having anyone to talk to or being without help in time of need. These fears can be conquered by reaching out and giving service to others, becoming outward looking instead of inward looking, as Mordecai taught Esther “think not of thyself”.
Another example given by Elder Cuthbert: a few weeks ago, a brother complained to me, “When I was away on business recently in another part of the country, I went to church and no one spoke to me. I felt very lonely, especially since I was so far from home.” I paused and then asked him, “How many people did YOU speak to?” At first he was a little annoyed, feeling I had not been sympathetic, but then he smiled and said: “You’re right. I did hold back instead of reaching out.” In order to have a friend we must be a friend.
8) Fear of the Past. This fear haunts those who have transgressed and not yet gained forgiveness and remission. It holds them back, but this should be but a temporary phase. As President Kimball has counseled: “To cure spiritual diseases which throttle us and plague our lives, the Lord has given us a sure cure—repentance”(The Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. x).
Once we confess, we need have no more fear about being found out. . . . we can look forward to, and indeed claim fulfillment of, the promise of the Lord that he will not only forgive but remember our sins no more.
Fear of the past has fled, and [we can start] out anew, knowing that “Today is the first day of the rest of [our] life.”
9) Fear of Failure. There are those who will not even attempt to do something because they lack the self-assurance that they can accomplish it. I was raised with the old adage ringing in my ears: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.“ There is no disgrace in failure, and in any case, we have never failed until we give up.
President N. Eldon Tanner remarked on one occasion, “One of the evils of the world today is not failure but low aim.” Just as we should not fear to fail, neither should we fear to aim high. There was no question of failure in the mind of Joseph the Prophet when, in the dark days of 1842, he penned the words: “Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!” (D&C 128:22).
10)Although Elder Cuthbert began his talk with this category of fear, I decided to end with it because it’s the beautiful oxymoron that stifles all other fears and that is the importance of fearing God.
He says: “Among all of the possible fears, this is the only one that is valid. However, it is not fear in the normal sense of lack of courage, but rather love, respect, and reverence. Indeed, fear of God in this sense can dispel all other fears.”
Derek A. Cuthbert, "The Futility of Fear", New Era, Nov. 1985, 44
Isn't it interesting that in order to overcome all other fears we must cultivate one fear: fear of God?
Returning now to Esther, who I could have highlighted in every example Elder Cuthbert gave; however, I wanted to save her for this category because she exemplified this so well. She overcame her fear by knowing that God had more power to deliver her than anyone else, and she manifested this knowledge through one of many ways: fasting.
Said Esther to her Uncle Mordecai:
16 Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish.
Having a testimony of the power of fasting Esther’s fear was overpowered by her faith manifested in her own words: “if I perish, I perish.” She literally applied the scripture, “don’t fear what can man do, for with God all things are possible;” and so the story ends with the Lord making it possible for her to actually save her people.
Conclusion
President Monson speaking to the sisters in General Conference 2009 said:
“You will probably not be called upon to put your life on the line, as did Esther, for that which you believe. You will, however, most likely find yourself in situations where great courage will be required as you stand firm for truth and righteousness.
Again, although there have always been challenges in the world, many of those which you face are unique to this time. You are some of our Heavenly Father’s strongest children, and He has saved you to come to the earth “for such a time as this.” With His help, you will have the courage to face whatever comes. Though the world may at times appear dark, you have the light of the gospel, which will be as a beacon to guide your way.” (May You Have Courage).
Esther was what we would call just an ordinary woman who cultivated a few extraordinary powers early in life so that when she was called upon to do the hardest thing she’d have to do, face one of her fears, she was prepared to do so.
We may not know what the outcome of facing our fears will be, but we must forge ahead. We need not let our fears control us. We must remember that “God hath not given us the spirit of afear; but of bpower, and of clove, and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7) We must exercise our faith in the Savior, and call upon his help through fasting, being obedient, increasing our love and reverence towards him, knowing that He can and will strengthen us as he did Esther, and many others, in our resolve to overcome our fears.