The Family Proclamation

"The Proclamation of the family has become our bench mark for judging the philosophies of the world"

I felt inspired to listen to By Bonnie L. Oscarson Young Women General President 2015 conference talk. She did such a great job highlighting a few of the things within the proclamation that I feel are the most pertinent to defend in our society today. So we will listen to her talk and then discuss some things afterwards. 

TALK

What a privilege and joy to be a part of this marvelous assembly of girls and women. How blessed we are as women to be joined together this evening in unity and in love.

I recently read the story of Marie Madeline Cardon, who, with her family, received the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ from the first missionaries called to serve in Italy in 1850. She was a young woman of 17 or 18 years of age when they were baptized. One Sunday, while the family was holding a worship service in their home high in the Alps of northern Italy, an angry mob of men, including some of the local ministers, gathered around the house and began shouting, yelling, and calling for the missionaries to be brought outside. I don’t think they were anxious to be taught the gospel—they intended bodily harm. It was young Marie who marched out of the house to confront the mob.

They continued their vicious yells and demands for the missionaries to be brought out. Marie raised her Bible up in her hand and commanded them to depart. She told them that the elders were under her protection and that they could not harm one hair of their heads. Listen to her own words: “All stood aghast. … God was with me. He placed those words in my mouth, or I could not have spoken them. All was calm, instantly. That strong ferocious body of men stood helpless before a weak, trembling, yet fearless girl.” The ministers asked the mob to leave, which they did quietly in shame, fear, and remorse. The small flock completed their meeting in peace.1

Can’t you just picture that brave young woman, the same age as many of you, standing up to a mob and defending her newly found beliefs with courage and conviction?

Sisters, few of us will ever have to face an angry mob, but there is a war going on in this world in which our most cherished and basic doctrines are under attack. I am speaking specifically of the doctrine of the family. The sanctity of the home and the essential purposes of the family are being questioned, criticized, and assaulted on every front.

When President Gordon B. Hinckley first read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” 20 years ago this year, we were grateful for and valued the clarity, simplicity, and truth of this revelatory document. Little did we realize then how very desperately we would need these basic declarations in today’s world as the criteria by which we could judge each new wind of worldly dogma coming at us from the media, the Internet, scholars, TV and films, and even legislators. The proclamation on the family has become our benchmark for judging the philosophies of the world, and I testify that the principles set forth within this statement are as true today as they were when they were given to us by a prophet of God nearly 20 years ago. 

May I point out something obvious? Life rarely goes exactly according to plan for anyone, and we are very aware that not all women are experiencing what the proclamation describes. It is still important to understand and teach the Lord’s pattern and strive for the realization of that pattern the best we can.

Each of us has a part to play in the plan, and each of us is equally valued in the eyes of the Lord. We should remember that a loving Heavenly Father is aware of our righteous desires and will honor His promises that nothing will be withheld from those who faithfully keep their covenants. Heavenly Father has a mission and plan for each of us, but He also has His own timetable. One of the hardest challenges in this life is to have faith in the Lord’s timing. It’s a good idea to have an alternative plan in mind, which helps us to be covenant-keeping, charitable, and righteous women who build the kingdom of God no matter which way our lives go. We need to teach our daughters to aim for the ideal but plan for contingencies.

During this 20th anniversary year of the family proclamation, I would like to issue a challenge for all of us as women of the Church to be defenders of “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” Just as Marie Madeline Cardon courageously defended the missionaries and her newly found beliefs, we need to boldly defend the Lord’s revealed doctrines describing marriage, families, the divine roles of men and women, and the importance of homes as sacred places—even when the world is shouting in our ears that these principles are outdated, limiting, or no longer relevant. Everyone, no matter what their marital circumstance or number of children, can be defenders of the Lord’s plan described in the family proclamation. If it is the Lord’s plan, it should also be our plan!

There are three principles taught in the proclamation which I think are especially in need of steadfast defenders. The first is marriage between a man and a woman. We are taught in the scriptures, “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”2 For anyone to attain the fulness of priesthood blessings, there must be a husband and a wife sealed in the house of the Lord, working together in righteousness and remaining faithful to their covenants. This is the Lord’s plan for His children, and no amount of public discourse or criticism will change what the Lord has declared. We need to continue to model righteous marriages, seek for that blessing in our lives, and have faith if it is slow in coming. Let us be defenders of marriage as the Lord has ordained it while continuing to show love and compassion for those with differing views. 

The next principle which calls for our defending voices is elevating the divine roles of mothers and fathers. We eagerly teach our children to aim high in this life. We want to make sure that our daughters know that they have the potential to achieve and be whatever they can imagine. We hope they will love learning, be educated, talented, and maybe even become the next Marie Curie or Eliza R. Snow. 

Do we also teach our sons and daughters there is no greater honor, no more elevated title, and no more important role in this life than that of mother or father? I would hope that as we encourage our children to reach for the very best in this life that we also teach them to honor and exalt the roles that mothers and fathers play in Heavenly Father’s plan.

Our youngest daughter, Abby, saw a unique opportunity to stand as a defender of the role of mother. One day she got a notice from her children’s school that they were having Career Day presentations at the school. Parents were invited to send in an application if they wanted to come to school to teach the children about their jobs, and Abby felt impressed to apply to come and speak about motherhood. She didn’t hear back from the school, and when Career Day was getting close, she finally called the school, thinking they may have lost her application. The organizers scrambled around and found two teachers who agreed to have Abby come talk to their classes at the end of Career Day.

In her very fun presentation to the children, Abby taught them, among other things, that as a mother she needed to be somewhat of an expert in medicine, psychology, religion, teaching, music, literature, art, finance, decorating, hair styling, chauffeuring, sports, culinary arts, and so much more. The children were impressed. She finished by having the children remember their mothers by writing thank-you notes expressing gratitude for the many loving acts of service they received daily. Abby felt that the children saw their mothers in a whole new light and that being a mother or father was something of great worth. She applied to share again this year at Career Day and was invited to present to six classes.

Abby has said of her experience: “I feel like it could be easy in this world for a child to get the sense that being a parent is a secondary job or even sometimes a necessary inconvenience. I want every child to feel like they are the most important priority to their parent, and maybe telling them how important being a parent is to me will help them realize all that their parents do for them and why.”

Our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, is a wonderful example of honoring women and motherhood, especially his own mother. In reference to our earthly mothers, he has said: “May each of us treasure this truth; one cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and [our earthly] mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one.”3

The last principle we need to stand and defend is the sanctity of the home. We need to take a term which is sometimes spoken of with derision and elevate it. It is the term homemaker. All of us—women, men, youth, and children, single or married—can work at being homemakers. We should “make our homes” places of order, refuge, holiness, and safety. Our homes should be places where the Spirit of the Lord is felt in rich abundance and where the scriptures and the gospel are studied, taught, and lived. What a difference it would make in the world if all people would see themselves as makers of righteous homes. Let us defend the home as a place which is second only to the temple in holiness. 

Sisters, I am grateful to be a woman in these latter days. We have opportunities and possibilities which no other generation of women has had in the world. Let us help build the kingdom of God by standing up boldly and being defenders of marriage, parenthood, and the home. The Lord needs us to be brave, steadfast, and immovable warriors who will defend His plan and teach the upcoming generations His truths.

I bear witness that Heavenly Father lives and loves each of us. His Son, Jesus Christ, is our Savior and Redeemer. I leave this testimony with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

1. Read family proclamation p 1:

We, The FirST PreSidenCy and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of his children. 

Joseph f smith said "God instituted marriage in the beginning. He made man in his own image and likeness, male and female, and in their creation it was designed that they should be united together in sacred bonds of marriage and one is not perfect without the other. 

Elder Hugh B brown said that the family concept is one of the major and most important of the whole theological doctrine. In fact, our very concept of heaven itself is the projection of the home into eternity. Salvation, then, is essentially a family affair, and full participation in the plan of salvation can be had only in family units. 

"Since that is true, everything we do should have celestial marriage as its focus and purpose."

How can we be defenders of marriage? 

What if we are single? 

Having gone through a divorce and being the RS Pres in my singles ward and listening to other sisters that had gone through a divorce, I think sometimes this can be a sensitive subject because maybe through no fault of their own they cannot experience this traditional family unit that the church praises and encourages. 

I love what a sister said about being a single parent: 

When we marry, it is with the intent to stay married. Yet many families experience the heartbreak of divorce or death. Other parents function as if they were single, for all practical purposes, because of abandonment or because their spouses face disability, addiction, mental illness, or other circumstances. Much of that heartbreak is experienced by our children.

Fortunately, we have this promise in Isaiah:

“For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.

“In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer. …

“For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee” (Isa. 54:7–8, 10).

I believe God supports single parents not only for our own sakes but also for the sake of that sacred calling which He knows we cannot accomplish alone. We have a supremely important work to do, because although for the time being we are no longer wives or husbands, we are still mothers or fathers, and our work has eternal significance."

Time and the Single Parent

By Frances E. Warden

1. Moving on to how we can be defenders of our roles as husband and wife or if we are single, as mother and father. 

Any thoughts?

I love what Sister Oscarson said before she gave the example of her daughter going to the school for career day to talk about motherhood. 

"Do we also teach our sons and daughters there is no greater honor, no more elevated title, and no more important role in this life than that of mother or father? I would hope that as we encourage our children to reach for the very best in this life that we also teach them to honor and exalt the roles that mothers and fathers play in Heavenly Father’s plan."

I never really thought of proactively teaching my kids this, I think I kind of thought that they'd just pick up on it but I know I can do better at praising their dad when he's away and working and letting them know how grateful I am that he works to provide all that we have. I can also do better at letting them know that I'm so grateful that I have the chance to be at home with them, and to fulfill all of these titles as ---- daughter mentioned: chef, psychologist, doctor, homemaker, educator, etc. And if the roles are different in your home, highlighting those roles--it doesn't matter our home configuration, it matters that They see us enjoying our roles as mom, husband, father and wife and that they learn that there is great significance in these roles and it's what they should aspire too. 

I absolutely love this quote President Monson shared: 

“May each of us treasure this truth; one cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and [our earthly] mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one.” What a divine calling anyone should aspire to. 

1. How can we defend the sanctity of the home? How can we "make our homes” places of order, refuge, holiness, and safety?"

One thought I had Is to make our home a distinct place that is different from the world so our children can feel that it is a place of safety, and sanctity. 

I think a great way to show the world that we are defenders of the home is through service. Show forth love and serve others who maybe differ from our viewpoint, as a family. This will teach our children that they can still love and accept others while standing up for their own beliefs. 

There is so much brokenness within the family unit today; I think the world could benefit from seeing a united family unit serving together in unity and love. 

The stake presidency wanted me to relay to you that asking us to read the proclamation, study it, memorize it was inspired. The promise to us is that if we live by these principles we will be protected and safe guarded from all of the ways that the world is seeking to attack and destroy the family 

I hope we can all take a moment this week to read over this inspired proclamation--use it as your FHE this week. There's a reason we have been asked to study it and memorize it. It was inspired for our day just as much, if not more, than the day it was written. 

Marriage is Ordained of God

There is so much material in today's lesson-- including topics like revelation given to women just the same as men, marriage in the covenant, birthrights, and Foreordination.

 I knew in preparing the lesson that there was no way to fit it all in so unfortunately some of the material and stories will have to be skipped--leaving you to go home and do some personal study on your own.  

 I'm excited about the overarching theme in today's lesson: marriage in the covenant. It's a topic I studied extensively in my academic career--writing 3 papers on it, one of which was published.  

 I want to start out by sharing with you some insight I learned over the years while studying this topic. And allow this to serve as the foundation for the stories we will be reading today.  


 The reason I chose to focus on this theme over the other themes in the lesson is because marriage is one of the most important institutions and has become demoralized in our society. I believe that younger generations, mine included, are forgetting the basic, simple knowledge that since man came into existence, marriage was and always will be ordained of God. It was never a societal institution, it was instituted by God.  


 In the opening pages of the book of Genesis we read that  “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (KJV, Gen 2:18). Interestingly enough Eve is not created in the next verse and there's a reason for this. The Lord commissions all of the animals (the birds, fowls, fishes, insects, and every creeping thing) to come forth, in pairs, before Adam, to be named (Gen 2:19-20). Some scholars believe this daunting task took years for Adam to complete.  

 As Adam was observing all of Gods creations consisted of two--each pair abiding together--he was being taught the necessity of companionship (note the end of verse 20 “[…] but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him”).  

 It is only after Adam learned of the importance of companionship was Eve was created. We read of Adams great relief in finding his help meet, as he exclaims: “Now bone of my bones! Now flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23). 

 Another important insight we gain from this verse: the word helpmeet is distinctively separate, written as “help,” “meet.” There is great significance in the separation of these words. The Hebrew etymology of “help,” is Ezer and is defined as “subordinate too, remedy, or cure.” We see this contextual form of “help” written throughout the scriptures, relating to the Savior and us becoming subordinate to him in filling in the gaps, in curing the imperfections of our lives.  

 The same symbolism exists within a companionship. When we enter a marriage we are essentially saying/promising to our companion “I will remedy the 50% that you lack, and be there to aid you when you fall short.

 “Meet” in Hebrew is Knegdo, and means “necessary, adequate, counterpart.” Countless studies have been done on the benefits of marriage--from societal benefits, to financial, emotional, and spiritual benefits--all proving that marriage is a necessary union, that each person is to be “adequate" or in Latin adaequatus which means equal to one another.  

 Now having his “help meet,” or in other words having finally met his equal, the Lord declares to Adam: “therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife” (Gen 2:24).  

 Looking at this scripture through a literary lens, an interesting choice of verbs is used in this account.  Normally ‘to cleave’ means to cut asunder, to split into two parts. We speak for example of the camel having a cloven foot. However, in the Hebrew language the word carries the opposite meaning: “to cleave,” means to put back together two things that have been separated; to join them so tightly one to another it is as if there was no original separation.  

 Thus the Hebraic translation assumes Adam had something taken away from him, cloven from his side, and was no longer whole. The only solution for Adam to become whole was by cleaving to the only creation that was truly equal to him— the creation that holds the “missing part” (symbolically the rib) of him.  

 When a man and woman thus cleave together, or rather cleave back together, they become whole once again; they become one—one in flesh, one in mind, one in spirit. Then and only then can man be fully complete.  

Now kind of having a foundation as to the inception and importance of marriage, let's get into some scriptural examples that will cast light on the importance of then marrying in the covenant.  

 Genesis 24 relays the account of Abraham insistent that Isaac marry one of his kindred rather than a Canaanite, in whose land they were living.  He then sends his servant to go and find a wife for Isaac.  

 This servant was trustworthy, loyal, prayerful, and faithful every step of the way. We read about him calling upon God in prayer asking him to bless Isaac with a righteous woman, asking God to lead him to and help him distinguish a suitable companion.  

 Read Gen 24: 12 And he said, O aLord God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, bsend me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham. 

 13 Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw awater: 

 14 And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast aappointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master. 

 15 ¶And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to aBethuel, son of bMilcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder. 16 And the damsel was very afair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man bknown her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up. 

 17 And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. 

 18 And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink. 

 19 And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking. 

 20 And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels. 

 21 And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the Lord had made his journey aprosperous or not. Then we read of the servant asking Rebakahs father for her hand in marriage in behalf of Isaac (whom he'd never met), Rebekah and her father agreeing to the marriage, and Rebekah ultimately traveling back with the servant to be married to Issac.  

 This story is so fascinating, let's answer a few questions:  

 1. Abraham and his servant went through a lot of trouble making sure that Isaac married the right person. Why?  He had a testimony of eternal marriage. He wanted Isaac to marry someone of his own faith so he could marry in the covenant. This was necessary so the blessings of the Abrahamic covenant could be given to Abraham’s descendants.  

 2. What does this story reveal about the importance of the marrying in the covenant to these people? It basically overrode everything else-- it was that important to them.  Think about it, Rebekah's father simply heard the servants story--how The Lord had guided him--and he turned his daughter over to Issac. 

Further, we read of Rebekah's response:  58 And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go. 

 They all agreed to such a union because they knew she would be married in the covenant. This is evident in verse  

 60 And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the amother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the bgate of those which chate them. 

 **I do want to make mention that we don't just marry someone because they are LDS. In the account of Rebekah, the servant looked at her qualities: she was kind and willing to help others, as shown by her drawing water for Abraham’s servant and his camels. A camel can drink up to 30 gallons in one day, so Rebekah would have had to draw a great deal of water to satisfy 10 camels.  

 Also, the account even mentions her beauty, which implies necessary attraction. 

And later in the account we read of her veiling her face before she met Isaac, representing her purity, morality, and faithfulness to her covenants. 

 3. Jacob marries Leah and Rachel in the covenant, and through him the Abrahamic covenant continues. Unfortunately this is the part I had to skip but I will give a brief summary so I feel I at least touched upon it.  Rachel has two sons: Esau (the eldest, hence he is given the birthright), and Jacob.  However, the the Lord reveals to Rachel, during birth, that Jacob is to be a leader over Esau (we see how the events that later transpire is fulfillment of this prophesy).  During a time in Esau's life, he is near the point of starvation and asks his brother Jacob for some pottage.  Jacob says he will give him something to eat if he sells him his birthright, Esau concedes.  After his belly is full he realizes the mistake he made and there exists this brotherly feud.  Esau marries outside of the covenant and Jacob inherits all his father has.  

 Jacob leaves Canaan and journeys to the land of his kindred to find a wife and to escape the anger of Esau On his journey to find a wife, he has a dream 


 Genesis 28: 12 And he adreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the bangels of God ascending and descending on it. 

 13 And, behold, the aLord stood babove it, and said, I am the cLord God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the dland whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed; 

 14 And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the anorth, and to the south: and in thee and in thy bseed shall all the cfamilies of the earth be dblessed. 

 15 And, behold, aI am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bbring thee again into this cland; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of. 

So he sees a ladder and The Lord promises him all these blessings--which if you remember from last week are the same blessings associated with the Abrahamic covenant.  What does the ladder symbolize? 


 QUOTE 1 Elder Marion G. Romney said of this dream: “Jacob realized that the covenants he made with the Lord … were the rungs on the ladder that he himself would have to climb in order to obtain the promised blessings—blessings that would entitle him to enter heaven and associate with the Lord” (“Temples—The Gates to Heaven,” Ensign, Mar. 1971, 16). So you have some symbolism taking affect in Jacobs dream. Via the ladder Jacob is being reminded of the Abrahamic covenant that was being passed down to him through his lineage--Abraham and Issac. Remember that one of the greatest aspects of the AC was the ordinance of eternal marriage.  

 It's fitting that The Lord gives him this dream on his journey to find a wife--reiterating to Jacob that in order to reach the top rung on this ladder, he must enter into an eternal marriage.  If you continue to read the account, (See Genesis 28:1–5; 29:1–Jacob made a long journey to find a faithful woman to marry. He then worked for Laban for seven years before marrying being tricked into marrying Laban's eldest daughter Leah, and then worked again for Laban to finally woe Rachel,  and continued to work for him after he had married both Laban's daughters.)  

 How can we show that marrying in the covenant is important to us? 

 QUOTE 2 President Gordon B. Hinckley told of a family who joined the Church in Australia and then sold all their possessions so they could travel to New Zealand and be sealed as a family. The father of this family said: “We could not afford to come [to the temple]. Our worldly possessions consisted of an old car, our furniture, and our dishes. I said to my family, ‘We cannot afford not to go. If the Lord will give me strength, I can work and earn enough for another car and furniture and dishes, but if I should lose these my loved ones, I would be poor indeed in both life and in eternity’” (Be Thou an Example [1981], 138). 

 So now having these stories attached to this foundation, let's talk about some applicable lessons:  

 2. Besides the obvious blessings and covenants associated with an eternal marriage, why is it important to marry a person of our own faith? 

 QUOTE 3 President Spencer W. Kimball gave this counsel: “Paul told the Corinthians, ‘Be ye not unequally yoked together … ’ Perhaps Paul wanted them to see that religious differences are fundamental differences. Religious differences imply wider areas of conflict. Church loyalties and family loyalties clash. Children’s lives are often frustrated. The nonmember may be equally brilliant, well trained and attractive, and he or she may have the most pleasing personality, but without a common faith, trouble lies ahead for the marriage. There are some exceptions but the rule is a harsh and unhappy one” (The Miracle of Forgiveness [1969], 240). 

 QUOTE 4 President Kimball continued: “Clearly, right marriage begins with right dating. A person generally marries someone from among those with whom he … socializes. Therefore, this warning comes with great emphasis. Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. A girl may say, ‘Oh, I do not intend to marry this person. It is just a “fun” date.’ But one cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel. True, a small percentage have finally been baptized after marrying Church members. … They are our blessed minority. … But the majority did not join the Church and … friction, frustration and divorce marked a great many of their marriages” (The Miracle of Forgiveness, 241–42) 


 I am living proof of these two quotes. I was married previous to meeting Mike. And to quote President Kimball, this man was brilliant, well trained, attractive, and had a pleasing personality, but our country of origin: Sweden verses America, and religion part Muslim and part Protestant verses Latter Day Saint made it a troublesome union right out of the gate. Obviously there was so much more at play when it came down to the decision of divorce, but let me tell you--now knowing the difference--marriage is one of the most blessed yet hardest institutions without even adding a disconnect in fundamental core values.  

 In more cases than not, because you love your Spouse, and you feel this conflict knowing you are to be one, to be equally yoked with them, so what ends up happening is one negotiates their belief system for the sake of keeping harmony in the marriage. And it's usually the one who values the most important thing.  

 Any examples??  

 Let's wrap up by talking about those who have been married in the temple.  How can a husband and wife maintain and improve the marriage relationship so that the covenants and blessings promised in the temple will be fulfilled? In essence, how do we now climb this ladder in Jacobs dream, together?  

 I think just as we make commitments to The Lord, we need to make commitments to our spouse to keep forging ahead, to keep climbing that ladder in hard times. One of us may have to reach down and help pull the other one up, but as long as we are both committed to keep trying, that's what matters.

 I hope this lesson strengthened your testimony about the importance of marriage, the importance of remembering that it has always been instituted by God. And as such, it's important that we strive to marry in the covenant so we too can be partakers of these eternal blessings given and promised to our ancestors.  Marriage is something you have to work at every single day; just because you're married in the temple doesn't mean it's smooth sailing there on out. But I hope that by understanding these scriptural references we become more impassioned to better our marriages, to cleave to one another, to be adequately yoked, to be the others necessary counterpart. 

Key Principles in Maintaining a Successful Marriage

I found this months Ensign article to be particularly enlightening.  How powerful is the Atonement in our lives! It's effects can be far reaching if we properly allow it to work the way it is supposed to.  I was humbled reading this article and realizing how applicable these key aspects—humility, repentance, forgiveness—are in a marriage and how life altering they become when trials are at their peak in ones marriage.   

Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage

BY RICHARD MILLER

School of Family Life, Brigham Young University

Based on a devotional address given at Brigham Young University on January 19, 2010.

---

How these gospel principles will strengthen your marriage.

When couples get married, they joyfully anticipate the prospect of spending eternity together. They often enjoy having long conversations, going for walks, and spending time together. It is wonderful to be with someone you love so deeply.

Unfortunately, for some couples the bliss of deep love and immensely satisfying companionship does not last. Long talks are replaced by frequent arguments or angry silence.

Many of these couples divorce. Others withdraw emotionally from the relationship. The spouses become distant from each other, and they keep their interaction to a minimum.

How do these couples go from ecstatic levels of love and happiness to frequent conflict, bitterness, and in many cases, divorce? Researchers have identified a number of reasons, but in my professional experience, I have found that most of these explanations boil down to two fundamental factors: a lack of repentance and a lack of forgiveness.

Repenting

In most cases, we are married only for a short time before we hurt our spouse’s feelings. Whether our mistakes are intentional or inadvertent, we all end up doing things that hurt our spouse. Elder Joe J. Christensen, an emeritus member of the Quorum of the Seventy, said, “To develop a solid marriage, we must be able to admit we are sorry for mistakes we make. … When conflicts in marriage arise, we should be swift to apologize and ask for forgiveness, even though we may not be totally at fault. True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes and offenses.”¹

Apologizing Sincerely

In order to be effective, an apology must be sincere and heartfelt. There needs to be evidence that you are truly sorry that you have hurt or offended your spouse and that you take responsibility for your mistake or offense. A simple “sorry” or the slightly more eloquent “sorry about that” rarely provides the necessary evidence that you feel remorseful and take responsibility for your actions. A thoughtful apology might sound something like: “I’m sorry that I didn’t do the dishes last night like I had agreed to. It wasn’t right, and I apologize.” Such an open and honest apology can do wonders for healing wounded hearts.

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse.

Striving to Improve

Besides a sincere apology, repentance includes striving to forsake our shortcomings and weaknesses. For example, we keep our promises to do the dishes. We focus on not being grumpy or short-tempered. We try to become better listeners.

As we repent, we continually improve ourselves. We overcome our weaknesses and develop more Christlike qualities. By so doing, we become better people and better spouses.

Overcoming Pride

Repenting requires us to look inward, be humble, and take responsibility for our mistakes and weaknesses. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) taught: “Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them. …

“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. … It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. …

“We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. …

“We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. …

“Let us choose to be humble.”²

The essence of repentance is trying to change ourselves in ways that will make us better people. On the other hand, the foundation of pride is the desire to cover up our own weaknesses and focus on changing our spouse’s behavior. As we humble ourselves, we desire to improve our lives and take responsibility for our weaknesses. We are willing to apologize and become better people, which is at the core of repentance.

Forgiving

In order for a marriage to be successful, there also needs to be forgiveness. Repentance and forgiveness are complementary gospel principles, and both are necessary in order for us to progress spiritually.

Resentment is one of the worst poisons in marriage. It doesn’t ruin a marriage overnight. Rather, it is like decay that gradually and silently damages your teeth. Forgetting to brush your teeth once doesn’t ruin your teeth; however, numerous instances of neglect over many years will. Similarly, resentment accumulates gradually, often without us even noticing it. If left untreated, it builds up over a number of years to the point where it destroys love.

Just as our sins and weaknesses are washed away through repentance, forgiveness washes away the hurts and emotional injuries that must be anticipated in being married to someone who is imperfect.

Letting Go of Hurt

Forgiveness is the perfect antidote for the poison of resentment. It neutralizes our hurt feelings and makes room in our hearts for love to flourish and grow. President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:

“All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for very long. They get rid of it. … Often … the things we carry are petty, even stupid. … If you resent someone for something he has done—or failed to do—forget it. We call that forgiveness. It is powerful, spiritual medicine.”³

These same principles apply within a marriage, and perhaps more so. The best response to being hurt is, as President Packer implied, to get over it. Marriage is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on.

Relying on the Atonement

But what if we can’t simply forgive, forget, and move on? Some serious offenses are difficult to overcome, and some hurts run very deep. Sometimes a spouse has a difficult time forgiving something that others might consider trivial. In other cases, the level of resentment reaches a point where the spouse is unable to forget about it and move on with the relationship.

In these situations, we need to rely on the healing power of the Savior’s Atonement. His Atonement not only allows us to repent of our sins; it also heals those who suffer and grieve. Certainly it comforts those who sorrow because they have been hurt by their spouse. During the process of the Atonement, the Savior suffered all of the pain, sorrow, and grief that we will experience in this life. Because of His atoning sacrifice, He shoulders the pain that we experience, which gives us the ability to overcome these hurts and to heal and forgive our spouse.

President James E. Faust (1920–2007) said: “Our Redeemer took upon Himself all the sins, pains, infirmities, and sicknesses of all who have ever lived and will ever live. No one has ever suffered in any degree what He did. He knows our mortal trials by firsthand experience. …

“The Atonement not only benefits the sinner but also benefits those sinned against—that is, the victims. By forgiving ‘those who trespass against us’ (Joseph Smith Translation, Matthew 6:13), the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort to those who have been innocently victimized by the sins of others. The basic source for the healing of the soul is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”⁴

A few years ago, I had the opportunity of serving as the bishop of a married student ward. I had wonderful people come into my office devastated because they had been terribly hurt by the actions of their spouse. Through their tears they would ask, “Bishop, how can I ever forgive my spouse?” We would then talk about the Atonement and its ability to heal broken hearts and to give us the ability to forgive.

As a bishop, I saw miracles. I saw individuals repent of their sins and earn back the trust of their spouses. I saw brokenhearted spouses find peace and the ability to forgive. I saw couples that were on the verge of divorce humble themselves, look inward, take responsibility, apologize for mistakes, and forgive each other. Every one of these miracles was made possible by the healing power of the Atonement.

Now don’t misunderstand. There are situations where forgiveness does not mean staying in a relationship that is abusive or dangerous. There are some scenarios where divorce may be the proper choice. But even in these cases, the Atonement can bring personal healing.

May we be willing to take responsibility for our own sins and weaknesses that create stress and pain in our marriages. May we use the power of the Atonement to allow the Savior to heal our hurts and sorrows to help us fully forgive our spouses. I testify that the Savior not only heals broken souls; He also heals broken hearts. If we allow Him to help us sincerely repent and freely forgive, our lives and our marriages will be blessed throughout eternity.

Repentance and forgiveness are complementary principles. Both invite the healing power of the Atonement to wash over us so that we can maintain peace and harmony in our marriage.

Just as our sins and weaknesses are washed away through repentance, forgiveness washes away the hurts and emotional injuries that must be anticipated in being married to someone who is imperfect.