You've Got This Mama

My children think I'm beautiful...no matter my mistakes and flaws, they think I'm imperfectly perfect...if they could choose to hang around with any one all day, everyday, it would be me (or their dad). To them succeeding is loving them, tickling them, wrestling them, really looking them in the eyes—getting down on their level— reading them 1 more book at bedtime, surprising them with Saturday donuts or a weekend getaway to the beach, showering them with compliments and kisses, dressing up as a Power Ranger for Halloween...

Sometimes (okay let's get real, most of the time), we beat ourselves up as moms, thinking "oh if I'd only reacted this way;" if I'd only done it that way;" "if I was only a little bit more like that mom..." We all feel those feelings and it's all OKAY because it shows that we endlessly love and that we want to do better. The problem is when those voices in our head suffocate us; debilitate us so that we are more consumed by what we are NOT doing instead of noticing the endless "awesome mom" tally marks our children are giving us on a daily basis. We must be careful not to allow those voices to snuff out the candle of everything beautiful and illuminating about us in the eyes of our children.  They love us. They forgive us—relentlessly. They think we are SUPER mom. And you know what is so beautiful about their SIMPLE way of loving? Their ability to see us as personifying perfection? PRESENCE. It's all they need; it's all they really crave: simply being present. It is within those moments of truly being present that I see myself as they see me; that I accept myself for all of my beauty and all of my flaws; and that I feel within myself "they were born to YOU—for all of your beautiful uniqueness and ways of doing things—for a purpose...you've got this MAMA"! 

The Epiphanies of Motherhood

The Epiphanies of Motherhood (yes they come once in a blue moon) 

An epiphany I had yesterday as I'm getting frustrated doing Beckahms hair before school for the umpteenth time, and as I'm trying to put Amari—who's endlessly fidgeting—down for a nap: our eyes are our little ones window to the world. It's through our eyes they learn what love is, tolerance, compassion, self-esteem, light-heartedness, kindness, respect, confidence....

As they grow and venture into this great big world I pray that they will choose to associate with good friends who make good choices,and not mimic the behavior(s) of those making poor choices. Yet, what kind of behavior are the mimicking from me—the person they are around nearly 24 hours a day for the first 4 years of their life? 

Parenting is the hardest job I've ever added to my resume simply because it causes me to take a step back and self-reflect—on a daily basis— how my habits, my example, my attitude, my behavior, affects my children—whether positively or negatively. 

Parenthood is also one of the greatest jobs I've ever added to my resume because it's the job that pushes me to change, to grow, at such an accelerated rate—sometimes from 0-60 in a matter of minutes (literally).

When my child looks into my eyes do they see the world as an annoying, frustrating, sad, anger-ridden, unfulfilling, busy and stressful place? Or do they learn that the world is kind, patient, tolerant of their mistakes, humorous, forgiving, and full of unconditional love? 

Sometimes (okay let's be real, most the time), it's hard to remember that the saying "treat someone the way you would like to be treated" applies to children just as well as adults. Would I then want someone rushing me around all of the time? Would I want someone so busy and stressed to get from one place to the next that there's no time or place to experience the "in betweens?" Would I want someone always taking away my freedom, and not allowing me to make mistakes so I can learn the power of choice and consequence? Would I want someone being so guarded and fearful of allowing me to venture out and explore this world by myself, on my own time, at my own beat? Would I want someone that makes me feel like I'm an annoyance? Like my voice doesn't matter? Like there are bigger, more important things to be doing in this great big world than being "stuck" with being in the presence of me? Would I want someone to tell me (reassure me rather) that my fears, my frustrations do not matter? 

As Amaris wiggles started to dissipate and as he calmly, quietly searched my eyes before drifting to sleep, I knew this epiphany was teaching me that sometimes the disconnects between us and our children happen (much like us with our Father in Heaven when we forget to get on our knees) because the window is foggy—we've forgotten to clear away the smudges and the smears, to take moments like these to be present with our children, to connect with them, to let them know we believe in them, we love them, that no matter how small they are that they DO matter. Sometimes we need to pause to make the window a little more clear, more visible: to be the correct reflection of the world we want our children to see, to BELIEVE, to KNOW.

Late Night Epiphanies

Why my late night epiphanies/confessionals always seem to come at the most inopportune time—when my "little angels" are in a "perfected state" (aka asleep), and my drool has a date with my pillow (aka exhaustion)—is a question that will haunt me till the day I retire from mothering (aka NEVER).

Okay enough with the "aka's". The epiphany I had as I lay in this pitch black room next to my comatose husband (who is richly blessed to give in to slumber) is:

Look for the opportunities each day presents to either ignore, tear down, OR build up the character of your children.

In my often failed attempt to do better at this thing called parenting, I realize just how furtive these moments are—how numerous, yet how quickly they come and go (from an accidental spill, to a quarrel with a sibling).

It is time to revamp the new year resolutions, and make it my mid-new year goal to take a moment—before the moment ignites a reaction— and process the situation, to ask "as their mother—the person who wants them to succeed most in their life, the person that wants to help them grow into GREAT men (cause God knows we need GREAT men in this world)—is my reaction conducive to lifting them up? Is it helping define their character? To build trust, love, and respect?"

I know it's a goal I will most likely fail at miserably at least another 100 times before 8am tomorrow morning, but the epiphany has at least sparked an interest, a resolution, to proactively do better at loving these little men God so kindly entrusted to my care.

—Sleepless in Alabama signing off

#theepiphaniesofmotherhood

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Be Here Now

“Be here now”. Stop, slow down, live in the moment, breathe, be here now.  This advice resonates with my mothering soul but my reality— the seemingly never ending, some times overwhelming, and yes often redundant tasks of keeping up with the speed needed to take care of four little running, messy, and falling feet— keeps me from “being here now.” It seems as though time and tasks are never on my side; my attention is never equally engaging enough or equally split enough between two boys. 

Glancing through old videos and pictures, feeling the surges of guilt course through my veins as I think back on all of the quiet, connected, in the moment moments I had with my first born, makes me realize there is nothing I long for more than to have my boys remember their mother as engaging, educating, energetic, and enlightening; than to have those moments with both of my boys—individually and collectively.

And so when that moment came for me to “fill that empty bucket,” I FILLED IT. 

I was fortunate to have that moment given to me when my husband had to attend a wedding out of state and decided to take our youngest son with him.  Although I missed my little towhead, blue eyed boy dearly, I was giddy thinking about these 4 days that would give back to me those quiet, connecting, in the moment moments with my first born.

The past four days have been life changing for both my little man and me. It was a gift to be able to have time slow down and be able to realize, all over again, just how incredible this little human being really is; to be able to enjoy him for everything that makes him unique and beautiful to me—to be reminded of all of the talents, awareness’s, strengths, and gifts he brings into my life.  

I think he had the best four days of his life; I have never seen him so happy.  I have never heard him say so many times “you’re the best mom in the world!” “I love having fun with you mom”; “this is the best day ever!” I have never received so many spontaneous, genuine hugs and kisses. And I have never felt so stress free and so completely recharged as a mother.

I made sure to document every thing we did so he and I could one day look back and remember that we had those in the moments moments, to remember there were times of connectedness, times of nothing but FUN, times of engagement, times of laughter, times of undivided attention and love.  Coming out of these four days I realize just how much I want to be proactive in making this a tradition—for my husband and I to have alone time with each of our kids; to connect with them, to let them know we love them, appreciate them, and SEE them as individuals. 

The second epiphany I had (forgetting what it was like to only have one child) is that although there are less spots on my floor, less handprints on my wall, less poop on my hands, less laundry to do, less crying and whining, less mouths to feed, less dishes to scrub . . . there is also more emptiness, more laughter missing, more learning and experiences to be had, and more love waiting to be given.  And so although this alone time with my big boy was the highlight of my month, I look forward to loving on my little munchkin and being a mother to four little running, messy, falling feet.  I look forward to proactively trying to take the moments for what they are (small, great, few and far between) and know that  “being here now” is met in those ordinary mother/son moments of engagement, education, energy, and enlightenment.

The Wonder and Blessing of Mothers

I wrote this tribute to my mother for her birthday, which just so happened to land a few weeks prior to Mother's Day, but every sentiment I felt when writing these words can easily be duplicated in honoring her on Mother's Day: 

Dearest Mother, 

I could write an entire blogpost about all the wonderful things I love about you, ways in which I am grateful for you, and the plethora of ways you are an example to me.  I am so grateful that I came into your world 34 years ago and that I had the privilege of being raised by such a beautiful woman! I feel like every GOOD thing I am today is because of you.  You taught me how to be fiercely loyal to any cause that I pursue; you taught me how to be proactive in my  life—to go after my dreams, to never settle for less, to push myself to always exceed my own expectations. You instilled within me a love of learning and a love of words. You nourished my creative and independent spirit by being the epitome of creativity, artistic ability, and independency. 

A few thoughts about this trait of being independent: I can't tell you how grateful I am that through your example you taught me how to survive (either through a hardship—physical or emotional— or a moment of defeat and/or exhaustion), you taught me how to be a leader not a follower, you taught me how to be able to be happy with myself and not have to rely on others for happiness, you taught me how to see a task and be able to execute it.  Thank you for never clipping my independent "wings"; I can't you how many times they have saved me, how many times when I have faced a very difficult situation in my life—causing me to doubt the very core of who I am—of being able to muster up enough agility to look behind me and see those wings, reminding me not only that I was born to fly but that I have the gumption and capability (because of my mothers example) to defeat the odds, to soar above the hardships and complexities of life.  Thank you for not only seeing who I was as a child, but nourishing and loving that person instead of trying to mold or change me into something you thought was an even better version of myself.  I look up to you so much in the way you mothered me.  And if I can only get HALF of what you did right in the lives of my two boys, I know that I am going to be damn good mother. 

Sometimes I think about what keeps this family of 7 together with all of our different dynamics, dissimilarities, and tainted pasts? But I now know the answer: it's you, our mother.  We all came from YOU; every single one of us felt apart of you, was nourished by you, was carried by you for 9 months (give or take) before we took our first breath into this world.  Essentially every single one of us took something from you—a different part of you—and that is the bond that keeps us together.  YOU are the BEST of all of us. Now raising two little boys I realize how selfless it is to be a mother. YOU raised SEVEN—I now know you gave us EVERYTHING you had, even when you didn't have anything else to give.  You always did the best you could, and you did more than you could!

I love you. I am eternally indebted to you. I will forever respect you, honor you, praise your name, and live in gratitude for your life because of all of these encompassing ways that have made you my MOTHER.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

And I will now add,  Happy Mother's Day!!

I love this video clip displaying all of the teaching moments we have with our children. From the moment they are born, to the moment they take their first step, to the moments they experience life, to the moments they leave our home . . . we are fortunate (some times we feel unfortunate) to be a part of every one of those moments.  When the days are long and hard, when the joyful, fulling moments are fleeting, it is important to take a step back and remember that WE allowed them to take a step forward.  Isn't that what Motherhood is all about: sacrifice, giving, selflessness, unconditional love?  You know I never realized it until adulthood, but I am grateful my mother gave these things to me so that I  may have the life experiences I've had.  And in my moments of wanting to sacrifice less and be more selfish in my present roll as a mother, I recall all the moments that my mother was less selfish, more loving, more tolerant, patient kind, and my heart swells with so much appreciation—the kind of appreciation I want my boys to feel for me one day.  And so on the tired, lonely, hard, exhausting moments of motherhood, I will remember the little feet I gave birth too, the little feet that I helped assist in their first steps, and the big feet that will one day go out into this big world and leave his ever impacting mark upon it. 

My Grandmother

My Mother

Me as a mother to these two beautiful boys

The Pace of Modern Life Versus Our Cavewoman Biochemistry

When is the last time I truly breathed; got into my mind, body, and spirit, and truly breathed into those deep places within myself?  I feel like I am always running through life taking short, hurried, exhales—trying to keep up with the busy, often anxiety-ridden pace of my lifestyle—aka motherhood. 

At 2 am—unable to sleep from my husbands coughing and my 1 year old waking from sickness—I took a moment to breath.  While scrolling through my Facebook posts, I was blessed to happen upon this TED talk. 

First let me say that this is a message EVERY woman—EVERY mother—and anyone who supports women needs to hear.  Dr. Libby Weaver has officially become my mentor; I only wish there were more doctors like her in the world, giving patients THIS kind of PERSCRIPTION.  

Two different subjects I have been mulling over since listening to her address: 

1) Women/Mothers Being Undervalued

2) The Unbalanced Life of a Woman/Mother

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Women/Mothers Being Undervalued

Libby's comment about women having 3x the job load—just in motherhood and taking care of household duties alone—than that of men who leave home to work one job, resonated with me.  I am a mother, a teacher, a maid, a doctor, a psychiatrist (which is 5 jobs alone), a financial planner, a decorator, an organizer, a party planner, a cook, a homemaker, a spiritual guide, a personal shopper . . . 24 hours a day, 6-7 days a week, getting paid absolutely no salary.    There is no break to self-rejuvenate; any and all breaks are either used to nap so I can keep my energy levels up and manage two toddlers, prep for activities or meals, make sure the house is in order, pay bills, and the other plethora of duties required just to keep a home of 4 afloat.  

The feminist within me finds it so fascinating that in 2014 the job of Motherhood is still greatly undervalued by society, and by the opposite sex in particular.  I will make the claim now that not all men fall under this category, but sadly enough the majority do.  For some reason the notion that a mans job trumps a woman's job as a mother has been such a complete historical disservice to society for way too long.  I laugh when I write "women's job", because for some reason we've categorized "jobs" and "roles."  Motherhood is often looked at as a role rather than a job, for many reasons, but I believe one of the greatest reason is that it is viewed as subpar—not hard enough, or contributing enough—to that of a "real", "working", "paid income" job.  

Funny because I believe all of the aforementioned titles I hold in being a mother are actual paying
 jobs in society— jobs that are valued, appreciated, and looked at as contributing to the economic welfare of society . . . and yet when I am going through the questionnaire to apply for a loan and asked what my job is, I have to reply "I'm just a stay at home mom" . . . funny. 

I can't help but wonder if mothers got paid—and it's too damn bad that we don't —would we be as valued as men in the workforce. . . in other words, would I get the damn loan? 

Stepping off my feminism soap box now, what are some ways men can show support in valuing the mother, wife, and home maker in their life? 

1st: listen to this talk 
2nd: Be on board with helping the woman in your life take time to care for herself—through reminders, support, encouragement, and time off  (you get time off from your job 1-2 days a week, plus paid vacation, give her time off from her many jobs). 
3rd: Be there to listen, provide affirmations that show support of her wearing the multiple hats she wears on a daily basis
4th: Give her a damn salary already (even if it is $20 bucks a month)—show her that you value her in some monetary way. 
5th: Show up, be a apart of the show, and at various times plan the show 

There are is so much more I could write about this subject and if time wasn't so limited I would.  My only hope, however, is that one day women and mothers in particular get the amount of attention, praise, and value they deserve.

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The  Unbalanced Life of a Woman/Mother

Having taken an evolutionary psychology class in college, I thought Libby's study and correlation of the evolution of women—post cavewoman—was so fascinating and spot on.

Why are we beating ourselves up, constantly comparing ourselves to others, trying to out do our best efforts,  running faster than we are able (trying to wear all of these multiple hats at multiple times), being people that we are not just to add more credentials to our "resume," all at the expense of our health?  

I think some times we fall prey to believing that if we stop to take care of ourselves, everything else in our lives will stop working—the house will fall apart, the children will turn into couch potatoes, and our husbands will think less of us, or even worse leave us, or cheat on us.  But the ironic reality is we are our worst selves when we don't don't take time for ourselves and those things are bound to happen anyway because we have nothing to give . . . we are running on fumes.  

It is time to value who we are.  It is time to love ourselves enough that we take time for ourselves, that we breath, that we eat right, that we exercise, that we live our dreams, that we tap into our innate talents and gifts.  Every one of us is so unique, every one of us has something beautiful to contribute to this world.  Every one of us is needed.  And that is why it is essential that you are YOU, that you do what it takes to be YOU; to THRIVE not merely SURVIVE, to BLOSSOM,  to LIVE, to LAUGH, to find JOY, to CREATE, to BEAUTIFY, TO BREATH.

Enjoy this beautiful message, and God bless people like Dr. Libby who use their time and talents to serve the world by igniting change and inspiring women to come out of this historical fog we've been meandering through for way too long #drlibbyweaver #tedtalk 

 

Patient Mom=Smarter Kids

I recently happened upon this post and thought it was simply inspirational.

It really amazes me how they can be oblivious to the smoke that I am sure begins to steam out of my ears as they fight over that stupid stuffed cow.  I would love to go get another one, just so they each have one, but of course they don't sell them anymore.  Plus, I am trying not to get into the habit of buying them stuff just to make them happy.  It's amazing how quickly I can feel my blood begin to boil when the kids start fighting, but something I read recently has made me really attempt to control my anger.  Did you know that a new research study has been released that shows that Moms who get testy with their kids may actually permanently decrease their child's intelligence?

The researchers of this study, which was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, studied two groups of children and their mothers. They were put into a frustrating situation. The mothers and children were left a small room that had a shiny package on the table.  They were told they could open the package, but only after the mother filled out all the forms.  The Mothers had no idea they were being watched. Based on the behavior of the mothers, everyone was categorized everyone into two groups. This was observed: Half of the mothers either ignored their child or harshly scolded them. The other half were more nurturing and explained patiently to the children why they couldn’t open the package yet.  The researchers also studied other factors over several years, such as medication use, traumatic life events, and maternal history of depressions. 

They waited several years and brought everyone back in for MRI scans.  The study showed that children with nurturing mothers had a larger hippocampus (area of the brain that controls short-term and long-term memory) by almost ten percent than the children whose mothers tended to scold in a harsh manner. In order to make sure their assumptions were correct on how they categorized everyone, they added the external variables (such as medications etc) as co-variates.  This removed them from the equation and they found that 10% is such a large difference between the two, that maternal support, as found in the observations, had a P value of .0001.  To a non-stats person, this means that there is over a 99% chance that this finding is valid.  If the difference between the two had been say, only 5%, this study would likely have to been found to not been valid because the P value wouldn't have been so small.  If you want to read more about the actual study, feel free to click here.


"It is to our knowledge the first study that links early maternal nurturance to the structural development of a key brain region," said study author Dr. Joan Luby, a professor of psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis. "It provides very powerful evidence of the importance of early nurturing for healthy brain development and has tremendous public health implications."

To me, this means that we, as parents, really can influence the development of our children, but researchers of this study do stress that occasionally losing your temper won’t cause the hippocampus to suddenly shrink.  

Since I originally posted this, I have received a few comments that question whether this study is really accurate based on how they categorized the Moms.  I will say that for me, science is science and the fact that they found a link means that they probably did categorize the Moms correctly.  However, this really isn't the point.  It's not like this study is saying we shouldn't eat vegetables or something crazy like that.  It is simply saying that we should try harder to be patient if we can because truly, who doesn't want smarter kids?  This has helped me tremendously in my daily life and I really hoped this might help other Moms too.  Every time I feel myself start to lose my cool, I think about this study and it helps me take a deep breath.  I guess you can kind of think of it like this: When people in movies (like First Wives Club, one of my favorite movies of all time) try to lose weight, they tape up a picture of a fat person on the fridge, to remind themselves not to eat too much.  That's all I'm doing.  I'm taping up a mental image of me yelling at my kids and I don't like the result so this helps me not yell.   I know I'll regret it later.  (And who knows, maybe by default I'll lose weight.  I can always hope).

So, all that being said, If your kids get under your skin and you feel the need to snap at them, DON'T!  Instead, listen to this advice from child expert, author and former Kindergarten teacher,Susan Case. 

1.  Try a little self talk: “I am the adult. I am a role model. I teach respect.  I love my kids and they love me.”

2.  Put the incident into perspective. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself these questions: 
       -What difference will this make a year from now 
       -Can I let it go or let the child have his way? 
       -How is this making my child feel? How will I feel about this tomorrow?

3.  Take some time to pamper yourself so you don't have such a short fuse.  Go for walks, ask someone to babysit, indulge in your favorite reality TV show or take a bubble bath...whatever you enjoy, do it and don't feel guilty about it! 

Motherhood: eternal partnership with God

I thought this was such perfect reminder, especially on the hard days.  Being a mother isn't easy but it is so worth it!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

Mike saw this on face book and sent it to me.  I thought it was so hilarious yet true; something good to remember for new moms to be.

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

Read more from Alice Bradley on << The Motherboard Blog >>

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."
Related: Celebrities on Motherhood

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh!
(See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.
Related: The Best Mom Moments of All Time


7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Related: Read 7 Hilarious Tantrum Tales Here

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.