Key Principles in Maintaining a Successful Marriage

I found this months Ensign article to be particularly enlightening.  How powerful is the Atonement in our lives! It's effects can be far reaching if we properly allow it to work the way it is supposed to.  I was humbled reading this article and realizing how applicable these key aspects—humility, repentance, forgiveness—are in a marriage and how life altering they become when trials are at their peak in ones marriage.   

Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage

BY RICHARD MILLER

School of Family Life, Brigham Young University

Based on a devotional address given at Brigham Young University on January 19, 2010.

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How these gospel principles will strengthen your marriage.

When couples get married, they joyfully anticipate the prospect of spending eternity together. They often enjoy having long conversations, going for walks, and spending time together. It is wonderful to be with someone you love so deeply.

Unfortunately, for some couples the bliss of deep love and immensely satisfying companionship does not last. Long talks are replaced by frequent arguments or angry silence.

Many of these couples divorce. Others withdraw emotionally from the relationship. The spouses become distant from each other, and they keep their interaction to a minimum.

How do these couples go from ecstatic levels of love and happiness to frequent conflict, bitterness, and in many cases, divorce? Researchers have identified a number of reasons, but in my professional experience, I have found that most of these explanations boil down to two fundamental factors: a lack of repentance and a lack of forgiveness.

Repenting

In most cases, we are married only for a short time before we hurt our spouse’s feelings. Whether our mistakes are intentional or inadvertent, we all end up doing things that hurt our spouse. Elder Joe J. Christensen, an emeritus member of the Quorum of the Seventy, said, “To develop a solid marriage, we must be able to admit we are sorry for mistakes we make. … When conflicts in marriage arise, we should be swift to apologize and ask for forgiveness, even though we may not be totally at fault. True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes and offenses.”¹

Apologizing Sincerely

In order to be effective, an apology must be sincere and heartfelt. There needs to be evidence that you are truly sorry that you have hurt or offended your spouse and that you take responsibility for your mistake or offense. A simple “sorry” or the slightly more eloquent “sorry about that” rarely provides the necessary evidence that you feel remorseful and take responsibility for your actions. A thoughtful apology might sound something like: “I’m sorry that I didn’t do the dishes last night like I had agreed to. It wasn’t right, and I apologize.” Such an open and honest apology can do wonders for healing wounded hearts.

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse.

Striving to Improve

Besides a sincere apology, repentance includes striving to forsake our shortcomings and weaknesses. For example, we keep our promises to do the dishes. We focus on not being grumpy or short-tempered. We try to become better listeners.

As we repent, we continually improve ourselves. We overcome our weaknesses and develop more Christlike qualities. By so doing, we become better people and better spouses.

Overcoming Pride

Repenting requires us to look inward, be humble, and take responsibility for our mistakes and weaknesses. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) taught: “Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them. …

“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. … It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. …

“We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. …

“We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. …

“Let us choose to be humble.”²

The essence of repentance is trying to change ourselves in ways that will make us better people. On the other hand, the foundation of pride is the desire to cover up our own weaknesses and focus on changing our spouse’s behavior. As we humble ourselves, we desire to improve our lives and take responsibility for our weaknesses. We are willing to apologize and become better people, which is at the core of repentance.

Forgiving

In order for a marriage to be successful, there also needs to be forgiveness. Repentance and forgiveness are complementary gospel principles, and both are necessary in order for us to progress spiritually.

Resentment is one of the worst poisons in marriage. It doesn’t ruin a marriage overnight. Rather, it is like decay that gradually and silently damages your teeth. Forgetting to brush your teeth once doesn’t ruin your teeth; however, numerous instances of neglect over many years will. Similarly, resentment accumulates gradually, often without us even noticing it. If left untreated, it builds up over a number of years to the point where it destroys love.

Just as our sins and weaknesses are washed away through repentance, forgiveness washes away the hurts and emotional injuries that must be anticipated in being married to someone who is imperfect.

Letting Go of Hurt

Forgiveness is the perfect antidote for the poison of resentment. It neutralizes our hurt feelings and makes room in our hearts for love to flourish and grow. President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:

“All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for very long. They get rid of it. … Often … the things we carry are petty, even stupid. … If you resent someone for something he has done—or failed to do—forget it. We call that forgiveness. It is powerful, spiritual medicine.”³

These same principles apply within a marriage, and perhaps more so. The best response to being hurt is, as President Packer implied, to get over it. Marriage is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on.

Relying on the Atonement

But what if we can’t simply forgive, forget, and move on? Some serious offenses are difficult to overcome, and some hurts run very deep. Sometimes a spouse has a difficult time forgiving something that others might consider trivial. In other cases, the level of resentment reaches a point where the spouse is unable to forget about it and move on with the relationship.

In these situations, we need to rely on the healing power of the Savior’s Atonement. His Atonement not only allows us to repent of our sins; it also heals those who suffer and grieve. Certainly it comforts those who sorrow because they have been hurt by their spouse. During the process of the Atonement, the Savior suffered all of the pain, sorrow, and grief that we will experience in this life. Because of His atoning sacrifice, He shoulders the pain that we experience, which gives us the ability to overcome these hurts and to heal and forgive our spouse.

President James E. Faust (1920–2007) said: “Our Redeemer took upon Himself all the sins, pains, infirmities, and sicknesses of all who have ever lived and will ever live. No one has ever suffered in any degree what He did. He knows our mortal trials by firsthand experience. …

“The Atonement not only benefits the sinner but also benefits those sinned against—that is, the victims. By forgiving ‘those who trespass against us’ (Joseph Smith Translation, Matthew 6:13), the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort to those who have been innocently victimized by the sins of others. The basic source for the healing of the soul is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”⁴

A few years ago, I had the opportunity of serving as the bishop of a married student ward. I had wonderful people come into my office devastated because they had been terribly hurt by the actions of their spouse. Through their tears they would ask, “Bishop, how can I ever forgive my spouse?” We would then talk about the Atonement and its ability to heal broken hearts and to give us the ability to forgive.

As a bishop, I saw miracles. I saw individuals repent of their sins and earn back the trust of their spouses. I saw brokenhearted spouses find peace and the ability to forgive. I saw couples that were on the verge of divorce humble themselves, look inward, take responsibility, apologize for mistakes, and forgive each other. Every one of these miracles was made possible by the healing power of the Atonement.

Now don’t misunderstand. There are situations where forgiveness does not mean staying in a relationship that is abusive or dangerous. There are some scenarios where divorce may be the proper choice. But even in these cases, the Atonement can bring personal healing.

May we be willing to take responsibility for our own sins and weaknesses that create stress and pain in our marriages. May we use the power of the Atonement to allow the Savior to heal our hurts and sorrows to help us fully forgive our spouses. I testify that the Savior not only heals broken souls; He also heals broken hearts. If we allow Him to help us sincerely repent and freely forgive, our lives and our marriages will be blessed throughout eternity.

Repentance and forgiveness are complementary principles. Both invite the healing power of the Atonement to wash over us so that we can maintain peace and harmony in our marriage.

Just as our sins and weaknesses are washed away through repentance, forgiveness washes away the hurts and emotional injuries that must be anticipated in being married to someone who is imperfect.

Start Moving

The misconception that we must call upon the Lord in every matter is something I feel has held me back in making proactive decisions. While it is good to seek counsel and guidance from the Lord, it is important that we trust in our ability to make educated decisions.  I use the term educated, because as the Lord counsels in Doctrine and Covenants, we must first study it out in our minds and then go to him in prayer for confirmation.  If the Lord, co-creator in our earthly existence, believes in our intellectual ability to make conscious decisions, shouldn't we?  How empowering God is to place self-discipline within our grasp.  If we can master our selves when it comes to decision making we can further gain confidence in our ability to make RIGHT decisions for our life.  

As this article brilliantly alludes, through the use of Elder Von Keetch's analogy of the smoke jumpers, we must not wait for direction in all things. We need to start moving, in whatever direction we have chosen and trust that God will either steer us on a different path if we have ventured wrong or will manifest his approval by strengthening our faith and administering his blessings.  

“Start Moving”

BY ELDER VON G. KEETCH

Area Seventy, Utah Salt Lake City Area

A story is told of a group of smoke jumpers. These brave men and women fight forest fires by parachuting onto the ground above a fire and fighting it from the top down, while others fight it from below.

During one particularly large forest fire, an elite team of smoke jumpers assembled for a briefing before taking off in their airplane. The dispatcher—a wise and experienced firefighter—told the smoke jumpers that things were very volatile and that he could not give them precise instructions. Rather, the dispatcher instructed, the smoke jumpers should contact him by radio once they had parachuted onto the ridge above the fire. Then he would give them instructions as to the course they should take to begin to fight.

Quickly the smoke jumpers took off in their plane, parachuted onto the ridge above the raging fire, and assembled themselves for action. As they viewed the fire from above, they could see half a dozen possible paths they could take to begin their work.

In keeping with their agreement with the dispatcher, the leader of the team took out a handheld radio, found the proper frequency, and called the dispatcher to request instructions as to which path to take. But only static came back from the radio; they could not hear the dispatcher at all.

Presuming that the dispatcher was busy with other tasks, the smoke jumpers decided to wait 10 minutes and try again. But when they tried the dispatcher the second time, they received the same result—dead air and static and no instructions.

The smoke jumpers conferred with each other. They could still see several paths down the mountain that would put them in a good position to fight the fire. But they were concerned that they didn’t have any direction from the dispatcher. They worried that if they started moving down the path that looked best to them, they might actually be moving counter to the course the dispatcher wanted them to take and they would be forced to retrace their steps.

So they decided to wait on top of the ridge. Fifteen minutes later they tried the dispatcher again. Nothing. They took off their backpacks and found a place to sit down. Thirty minutes became an hour; an hour became two hours. They regularly tried to contact the dispatcher. But as before, they received only static in return.

The smoke jumpers decided to eat lunch. After that, when they still couldn’t contact the dispatcher, they reclined on their backpacks and took a nap. They were frustrated. If the dispatcher would just pay some attention to them and tell them which way to go, they would happily follow that course and begin their firefighting efforts. But the dispatcher seemed to be ignoring them, probably preoccupied with others. And they had decided that they weren’t going to move without the dispatcher’s directions. After all, those directions had been promised to them before they parachuted onto the ridge.

Seven hours after the smoke jumpers arrived at the top of the ridge, a weary crew chief from the group fighting the fire farther down the mountain came up the trail and found the smoke jumpers. He was flabbergasted. Approaching their leader, he asked, “What are you doing lounging around on the ridge? We really needed your help. The fire almost got away from us because we didn’t have help to contain it. And all this time you’ve just been relaxing up here on the ridge?”

The lead smoke jumper explained their predicament to the crew chief. They had been promised instructions from the dispatcher. They had been vigilant in trying to obtain those instructions. But the dispatcher had ignored them, never responding to their calls. True, they could see several paths down to the fire. But they were afraid they would take the wrong one. So they decided to wait until they had the promised instructions from the dispatcher.

The crew chief held out his hand and took the small radio the smoke jumpers had been using. He then walked about 50 yards (45 m) down one of the paths that led toward the fire. He stopped and tried the radio. The dispatcher’s voice came through loud and clear. The crew chief then walked back to the top of the ridge and traveled about 50 yards (45 m) farther down another path. He stopped and called the dispatcher. Again the dispatcher’s voice came back immediately.

The crew chief hiked back to the smoke jumpers and tossed the radio to the leader, saying, “You are in a dead spot. All you had to do was start moving down one of the trails, and the dispatcher could have easily given you course corrections and brought you right into the spot where we needed you. Instead you lounged up here, and you were totally worthless to us.”

Often in our need for spiritual guidance and direction, we can be tempted to do exactly what the smoke jumpers did. We find ourselves in unfamiliar territory. We see several paths available to us, and we’re not sure which one to take. We have been promised inspiration and help from our Heavenly Father. But it doesn’t always come immediately. We grow frustrated and decide we are simply going to sit down and wait until the promised guidance comes. We wait and we wait and we wait, wondering why the divine Dispatcher doesn’t help us with our course.

In so doing, we ignore an important principle of revelation. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use our own intelligence, ability, and experience to chart our initial course. As we press forward along the path we have chosen, we are in a much better position to receive the course corrections He may have for us. But if we simply plop down on the ridge and recline on our backpacks until He gives us instruction, we risk finding ourselves in a spiritual dead spot.

President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has taught us:

“We are expected to use the light and knowledge we already possess to work out our lives. We should not need a revelation to instruct us to be up and about our duty, for we have been told to do that already in the scriptures; nor should we expect revelation to replace the spiritual or temporal intelligence which we have already received—only to extend it. We must go about our life in an ordinary, workaday way, following the routines and rules and regulations that govern life.

“Rules and regulations and commandments are valuable protection. If we need revealed instruction to alter our course, it will be waiting along the way as we arrive at the point of need.”

I testify that the best and clearest direction comes in our lives not when we are just waiting for our Heavenly Father to send help and guidance but when we are anxiously engaged with our back bent to the task. To those of you who are waiting upon the Lord for guidance in your lives—who need help with a major decision or question—I give you this challenge: Prayerfully and carefully use your own intelligence and your own resources to choose a path that seems right to you. Then become anxiously engaged in walking that path (see D&C 58:26–28). When the time for course correction comes, He will be there to help you and to guide you.

The best and clearest direction comes in our lives not when we are just waiting for our Heavenly Father to send help and guidance but when we are anxiously engaged with our back bent to the task.

"By Small Means"

By Laurel Teuscher

I thought I was doing fine. I had served a mission, graduated from college, secured a full-time job, and finally moved into an apartment by myself. I attended church every Sunday and sometimes went to activities. I had plenty of friends, single and married, and I suddenly had more time for reading, my favorite thing to do as a child. Yet even with all of these activities, I still felt lost.

In Alma chapter 37, we read of Alma’s advice to his son Helaman. Inverses 41–42, Alma talks about Lehi’s family and the Liahona. He explains that the Liahona would not work when “they were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence” and that “they did not progress in their journey; therefore, they tarried in the wilderness, or did not travel a direct course.” Reading these verses helped me realize that I was not progressing. I was not exercising my faith or being diligent in anything in my life. I had stopped working toward a goal. I was simply waiting for something to happen.

There wasn’t one specific moment when I made a list and wrote down everything I needed to change. Rather, those changes came little by little. First, I started to get up early and go for a run or do some other form of exercise. Next, I began to look into school programs that might help me progress in my job or allow me to get a different one. I found a program and then spent time preparing to take the necessary tests to apply. Scripture study and prayer became more important to me, and I tried to spend time every day feasting on the words of Christ and seeking to feel the Spirit. I made a special effort to be more involved in my ward—even if it meant sacrificing some personal time.

Since I started making these small changes, I have felt happier. I feel that I’m progressing and Heavenly Father is giving me new challenges. I can face those challenges with hope rather than fear or discouragement. I’ve learned that when we cease to work or exercise our faith and move in a direction, Heavenly Father cannot help us progress and we will not reach our destination. I am so grateful for the small changes in my life that have helped me to see a way ahead.

Things That Matter Most

Get Involved

Mike and I have been trying to come up with various ways we can serve more effectively and efficiently now that we have a newborn.  We still want to be active citizens in this world in helping those in need.  I got on the LDS website and found some great resources while searching through the Welfare System home page.  There are countless ways we can get involved and I thought I would include two of them on my blog:

School Kits Even when children are fortunate enough to attend schools, they often lack the educational supplies needed to create a functional and engaging learning environment. A school kit can transform even a meager setting into an appropriate educational space. Assembly Instructions 4 unsharpened pencils 1 pencil sharpener 1 box pre-sharpened or unsharpened assorted colored pencils (approximately 7" long, about 12 pencils to a box) 1 pair blunt-nosed scissors with metal blades 1 rubber pencil eraser (approximately 1" by 2") 1 straight edge ruler—not to exceed 12", with metric measurements 450 pages of paper in glued or spiral-bound notebooks or letter-size legal pads, all with lined sheets. Sheet sizes 8 ½" by 11", 8" by 10 ½", and 8 ½" by 11 ¾" are acceptable (no more than 6 notebooks or pads per kit). 1 durable cloth bag made of heavy fabric (see cloth bag guidelines below) Cloth Bag (for School Kit) Cut two pieces of fabric into 14" by 18" rectangles. Serge or zigzag all edges of both pieces of bag fabric. Put right sides of bag fabric together. Starting at the top of the side seam (side seam = 18" length), sew around three sides of bag (2 long sides, 1 short side). Make sure to backstitch. Turn top hem down 1". Press top. Handles Cut two 26" by 3 ½" handles from a piece of fabric (½" webbing may also be used). Zigzag or serge one long side of each handle. With right side out, fold over raw edge and overlap serged edge. Stitch lengthwise down center of handle. Pin or secure handle in place. Repeat with the other end of the handle on the same side of the bag. Repeat on other side of the bag. After handles are secure, stitch hem of bag, including handles around entire hem. Reinforce stitching on handles. Place a 3" strip of Velcro on inside of bag between handle straps, and sew in place. Place all items inside the cloth bag. Take or ship the completed school kits to the Latter-day Saint Humanitarian Center, or a bishops' storehouse. Hygiene Kits Hygiene kits provide disaster victims with basic items necessary for health and cleanliness. Assembly Instructions 2 unbreakable combs (no sharp handles) 4 toothbrushes (packaged) 1 tube of toothpaste (6-8 oz., no pumps) 2 bars of soap (approximately 4 to 5 oz.) 2 hand towels (new towels, approximately 15" by 25". Please do not use dish towels or washcloths. To sew towels, serge or zigzag the edges of terry cloth to make a 15" by 25" towel.) Place items in a heavy-duty, one-gallon sealable bag. Remove all air before sealing. Place hygiene kits in a cardboard packing box, and take or ship them to the Latter-day Saint Humanitarian Center, or a bishops' storehouse. ***If you don't have time to serve you can always donate online.  Check out the LDS Charities the church supports.

Motherhood: eternal partnership with God

I thought this was such perfect reminder, especially on the hard days.  Being a mother isn't easy but it is so worth it!